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sandbagaa
06 December 2008 @ 11:46 am
(no subject)  

So I didn't get to really write about therapy yesterday so I figured I would update the 0 people who care.

First off my 11:30 appointment started at 12:45....I dunno if that's normal. Maybe they were testing my paitence or something, see if I throw a chair or something. So the therapist seems nice enough...no older than 30, female, Florida Gator. We only talked for about 30 minutes, which was way longer than I am used to 30 minutes being. We talked of Chelly, poker, and various other things. She asked me how good of a relationship do I think I have with Chelly. I said pass. She said I couldn't. Dammit. I told her I wasn't honestly sure. I also don't like the word relationship since that tends to lead one to believe we are dating, which we are not. I don't even know if we are friends are not. Regardless I hated talking about it. I told her some parts of the Chelly stuff. I told her I wish we had better communication and she said so basically all talking is on her terms. I said kinda I guess. She said so she takes advantage of you. I said no, not at all. I told her Chelly was not responsible for anything that happened. She doesn't seem to believe that but I know thats the truth. Chelly is a great person, she just happen to run into a bad guy at the wrong time. I told the therapist about Krystle and Jess and various other people. She thinks im I show "great endurance" for having virtually no support system. She also thought that it spoke greatly about me that I risked coming out here to build a life from nothing. I told her "you see greatness I see sickness." So anyways I guess we are meeting again in 2 weeks. Everyone I talk to has been "proud for making a bold decision to get better". I deserve no praise, I did all this to myself. It would be nice if people would take the time to understand that.

Please, please forgive me
But I wont be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely consious you'll say to no one
Isnt something missing?


You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am i so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: see above
 
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sandbagaa
04 December 2008 @ 02:27 pm
all too perfect for today  

I've become tired
Of Wasting my time
Thinkin' bout choices
That I've made
Cuz i can't move forward
While looking behind
The only thing I can
Thing to do now is change the way
That I use to be
Cuz now it's seems
Crystal clear to me

Cuz you're so much more
Than a memory

It wasn't fair
For me just to go
Act like I knew what you've been though
Cuz I wasn't there
And I'll never know
Couldn't see from
Your point of view
But I'm doing all I can
For you to see
That I understand

So don't close my door
On what still can be

Please don't Go
Cuz I've finally Know
That the past is gone
And I was wrong

You're so much more
Than a memory
 
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sandbagaa
04 December 2008 @ 01:53 pm
(no subject)  

So I found a therapist. Well more like one found me and we're going to have our first...overview I guess Friday. I am not really sure what to expect and what I am getting myself into.  Robbie said I was allowed one shot to pow wow with Chelly about this cause he could tell I was kinda nervous and had several questions. I tried talking to her she didn't say anything back so I don't know what to make of that...maybe she was busy, maybe she doesn't want to talk to me (kinda leaning towards that), I dunno.

Speaking of my "friends" and "talking" I just happen to notice today that Chelly and Melanie became friends. I don't really mind it, they are both amazing people and everything and I don't feel threatened or anything like that.  It does make me wonder what brought that on. On one side you have Chelly, my ex, who has chosen to pretty much not be involved in any of my more private matters in life and that's cool thats fine. Then you have Melanie who I have tried speaking to who has been busy with her own goings on and all that. So why would two people who have never met and only have me as a....starting point...(for lack of a better phrase) randomly become friends.  I mean in all honesty I do feel as much a stranger to both of them as they might feel to each other if not more so. So if both have chosen not to deal with me (which who could blame them) why randomly friend each other.  Taylor thinks im thinking way too deep on this. It's not that I really care, it's just...weird. Again I don't mind if they're friends, they could become lovers and have 400 kids I don't care about that. It's just seems incredibly random. Maybe it's a sign that people I know are much better to be around than myself. I am pretty sure Melanie sent the request which is kind of out of character. Chelly probably would except it because she's just trying to be polite or may indeed have an interest in meeting new people, she does enjoy that.  I wish I could say the same. I am trying to work on that. Trying to work on a lot of things...none of which really seem important today.  Depression is inside of me yet no cutting urges so...yeah.

On another wonderfully cheery note, my dreams have gotten more more fucked up. I woke up this morning with a lovely comparison in my head to Chelly and my father. I remembered Chelly saying the last time we talked that "she wishes I wasn't so sad". My fucked up head decided to flashback to when my dad used to beat the shit out of me and afterwards say "Don't be such a baby I didn't hit any harder than I would have anyone else. You brought this on yourself.". Most times he was right, I used to play terrible back then.  I guess the connection is "walk it off. Your pain means nothing to anyone else so why should it mean anything to you". Wonderful way to start my day.

So I dunno, I am just feeling incredibly isolated today. I always find it amusing that people who claim they are feeling isolated get treated with further isolation. I deserve to be isolated however and I know why so I guess I should stop bitching about it.  I really have no interest in therapy.  I don't want to talk about any of the bad stuff (my parents, Krystle, Jess, Chelly anything to do with North Conway, etc.). I have made peace that Krystle really has no interest in being friends and things happened when we lived together that never fully healed.  Jess as well. I'm working on Chelly.  Looking at Melanie's pictures with her and Krystle and everything make me so depressed. It brings back all the things that I have lost. It's also a subtle reminder of Sly because Melanie was one of the people who made her happy in the end.  Maybe that's why I never really tried to get close to Melanie.  Maybe that's why she never got close to me. I really do like the relationship we have. We talk on occassion usually cheerful even though both of us kinda realize that it is to a certain degree BS but have no interest dropping our pain on the other. I did kinda break that rule repeatedly...being the highly weak person that I am.

All the scars that never heal
All the wounds that will not seal
I will not forget the day
These memories never fall
 
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sandbagaa
03 December 2008 @ 12:51 pm
(no subject)  

For some reason this morning I really missed the times Chelly would read me poetry, it didn't matter what it was it was anything she loved or failing that had on her at the time. :/. hmmm.

In any event, I got up and ran and did some poker stuff.  I am still getting highly fusterated playing "simulated poker". It's not real. The computer is either A) too random, I mean like beyond good random like a good player should be but just random random. B) Incredibly lucky C) too predictable. I don't like it at all.

Robbie and I kinda made a deal last night.  He's leaving Tuesday and going home to Ireland to grind the tables online and play some warm up event around the UK until May when the World Series of Poker begins. I will be staying in Pittsburgh for that time, if however I can not come up with any decent reason to say here, I'll go to Vegas with him and head to Ireland after the World Series. I really don't want to go. I know I screwed up a lot of things out here and I want to make them right, I just don't know how.

Last night I also had an interesting reaction to socializing. I have been working on my socializing as per requested by various people. I have been trying to help out in the kitchen at the shelter before I head over to the room.  So last night im helping out and there's this kid named Jesse. He's 20ish or so, just got out of jail, seemed nice enough, so I just started saying hi and little things you know nothing major. We never had a real conversation but we were civil. He's constantly asking me what I do when i'm not here and I always give him a vauge answer. I don't really feel like telling people I almost had a 2nd nervous breakdown inside of 6 months. So last night we're working and kinda chatting he's talking about something god knows what. I'm like uh huh yeah oh neat uh huh, just kinda humoring him and being polite. So finally he says so what are you doing tommorow. I said I dunno probably going out and seeing what the day brings. He's like sweet I'll tag along.
....
....
....
uh....wait....WHAT?
I said uh no that's not going to work out. He says well why not? I said um...i'm.....meeting my ex for coffee I think. He says oh well that's ok I'd like to meet her. I said yeaaah that's not gonna happen. He's like no it will be cool I can bring my girlfriend and we can double date. I said yeah she doesn't deal with crowds well. He said no she'll love it I swear I'll pay for everything. I said that's not needed. Which appearently to him meant yes he can come. So he's like sweet this will be awesome I can to hang out with my new best friend and his girl (to which I tried to add she wasn't but he was still rambling).  So I figure maybe he'll kind of forget about it. heh no...no he didn't...not for a second. He starts telling people anyone who will listen that we are going to be hanging out and everyone is invited.
.....
....
this is why I am not social. I get paired off with psychos.

So on my break, I take my paper I go out into the smokers area. I sit as faaaaar away as possible from everyone out there. Paper in hand. Reading. Here comes my little puppy dog flying out the door running (yes running) to sit next to me. "Whatcha doin bud?"
"Reading a paper...or at least trying to"
"God reading is so boring, we should go do something"
"Again. Reading. Kind of a solo thing. One of the best perks about it."
"Man reading. That's so harsh dude, why do you read so much."
"To avoid having conversations I don't want to have in places I don't want to be with people I don't want to talk to."

Finally I start to think he's getting the idea. Then I had a great breakthrough.  He's about as pathetic as I am when it comes to Chelly. So I decided that since I wasn't happy with the way Chelly handled me I was going to do it the way I thought she should have done it with me. So finally he comes back and he's like seriously dude we will have the greatest time tommorow you won't ever forget it. So I said Jesse, sit. He did.
I said let me kind of set you straight on some things.  We are not friends, we will never be friends, you are a depressed lonely sad little boy who has no sense of self identity.  You will not be living through me, or anywhere near me. We will not be hanging out, I am not here to make friends. If I were going to be friends with someone it would not be you, not now, not ever. I don't know what led you to believe we were best friends and quite frankly I don't want to know. I don't really care what is going on in your life and I wish you would do me the same respect. You are a social leech (I figured cancer was a bit harsh) you latch on to anyone who will pay you any attention and suck them dry until they just can't take it anymore. You will forever be this way and don't try to cloud your judgement by thinking you can change it. Once a leech, always a leech. You are a sick human being who is beyond help. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. You will never find happiness because you are not allowed to become happy for whatever reason it is. I really hope I have made your life past, present and future clear.  It's going to a long painful life for you.

I left him there. I thought he was going to cry.

As im leaving he's running up to catch me. I said dude..what now? He sticks a $5 bill in my face. I was like heh buying a friendship...yeah those always have raving success stories. Nothing like that cloud of mystery that you brought into the relationship constantly asking youself are they there because they want to or because I pay them off. I left.

It felt pretty good to actually unload all that on someone else.  I'm sorry but I really do not need a little puppy dog following me everywhere I go. Including one that thinks because I said hello to him that were like some best friend thing. I tried to be nice, I tried to be social, dammit I was even polite! None of that worked so I had to pull out my old faithful fallback, bluntness.

Seriously, what was I suppose to do? There was probably a better way to handle this but when you tell someone no and they say tough I am going to follow you anyways. That's stalking. Stalkers of any level should get the death penalty.  Just line them up in a sting operation put the object they desire in a location, watch them walk in and shoot 'em dead on the spot.  I am fully aware that saying this would also mean I would be shot dead on the spot, but I already firmly believe that should have happened to me a long time ago. 

I dunno comments, thoughts, ideas? Anything would be appriciated. Seriously how should that event have been handled.
 
 
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: TILT
 
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sandbagaa
02 December 2008 @ 02:05 pm
progress report  


I just got finished talking to Shauna and instead of looking for a good job or practicing poker I wanted to find a quote for her because...she likes quotes. So yeah. I sent her said quote and found this blurb.

Hope is a necessary component to being human. All tyrants, all who commit crimes against humanity always attack hope and take it away from the victims because they know how important hope is for humans, for remaining human. Hope is indelibly connected to the future and when hope is removed, the future becomes clouded over with uncertainty and pain. Removing hope removes time, a precious gift indeed.

So yeah I dunno I kinda liked that. In any event last night I was just as depressed as I was when I first started this....whatever i'm doing. 

Actually, before I get into that I want to talk about something that's really bothering me about the shelter. So last week I did the paperwork to become one of the people in their "programs" which is basically like a step above the entry level bum status. Well they asked me to come over at night to start helping out with the dinners and so forth to get a feel for things. I told them I had a lot of experience in helping the kitchen in Portsmouth so that was no problem. So during a lull someone had the Pitt newspaper out and it was talking about some church that came to protest the gay rights stuff and all this crap. And I just happened to mention that I was there a couple weeks ago.  Well appearently I was not suppose to be going to that. They asked me why I went I said my ex was going and invited me. The guy says oh so you went for her? I said no I went because I believe everyone who has earned the right to be happy should be. So he starts getting all flustered and is like you know what this means don't you? I said no what? He says well if you stand for gay rights then you must stand for sexual revolutions and gangs and murderers. I was like....
....
....
....
I seriously have no idea how you linked murder to gay rights.
So basically I am the most hated person at the shelter because I am involved in gay rights.  I can't imagine what the hell they would think about poker.

So anyways, Robbie has decided to stay for another week then he will be flying back to Ireland unless I feel like going with him. I don't. Not now. Not ever. But this is week 1 in a nut shell:

-- Started Dieting I guess
-- On Day 2 of running from North Shore to Pitt
-- Job Hunting is...meh
-- Applied to the program (and got in)
-- I haven't spoken with Chelly, tried last night but no response :/.
-- I haven't play and real stakes poker.
-- Havent done anything Income related
-- Haven't given Chelly any cash (since I've had none)
-- Found a therapist (or more a therapist found me)
-- Haven't bothered anyone
-- No more SI or anything related (though last night was a close call)
-- Still need to get my PA ID

Robbie has given me some motivation but I am not sure If I want it.  Basically he wants to stake me throughout the World Series this year since I lost my ride. I dunno I just don't want to think about that right now. I have no interest in traveling to LV to get mangled and embarassed.

 
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sandbagaa
30 November 2008 @ 02:25 pm
(no subject)  
Yes, I am highly depressed. Yes I know why I am highly depressed. However I am not going to get into all that crap. I honestly started making a list of people who would attend my funeral. Just for the hell of it. I figure that if I did in fact take my own life, very few people would ever find out. Chelly might happen upon it if she picked up a paper on the right day.  Shauna might piece it together and talk to Chelly. Shauna's busy a lot thought and I doubt a 20 hour round trip car ride is something she could pencil in. I kinda started thinking about some stuff Chelly said the other night. Mainly the "we have nothing in common, we don't have any mutual friends etc. etc." stuff. I started thinking yeah but Shauna and I have nothing in common, and we don't have any mutual friends and we get along great. Until I was like wait...do we really? I mean we aren't like...friends by like definiton. I mean we don't hang out, or go to parties or talk everyday like real friends. So...does that mean I just suck at being friends? I mean everyone has someone in their life they talk to everyday.  Do I suck because I don't have one of those?  I mean I know I am a really sick human being who is completely unlovable. There is actual proof of that. You kind of being to convince yourself no one could ever love, care or respect you when you go through certain things. I first found out through a dad who enjoyed beating the shit out of me until I was 7. I also got a friendly reminder when my mother would tell me "I would feel better in the morning" and she would turn around and bury herself in a bottle. I really don't see the point in doing all these things, finding a therapist, finding a job. We all just die in the end anyways. What the hell is the difference.  Why can't I just be happy like everyone else? Why do I have do the most creepiest things imagineable? I swear they should just lock me in a cage, wait for me to die, and study me so they can figure out the warning signs for when someone else like me is born they can shoot it coming out the birth canal. It's generation would be thankful.  In theory I am suppose to e-mail Chelly tommorow. I doubt I will though in my current condition. Why ruin her day with my nonsense?
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
 
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sandbagaa
29 November 2008 @ 12:19 pm
(no subject)  
I just don't know about anything anymore.
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
 
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sandbagaa
26 November 2008 @ 02:26 pm
Limit Hold 'em  
So Robbie spent the afternoon drilling me on proper play for Limit Hold 'em. I am playing his simulation programs right now. Computer has taken $92 from me and I am suppose to win $10 or more at the end of the hour.  I had two beautiful hands to start with and both got mowed down...so sad.

Playing poker (even virtual) is making me feel better.

I am getting some money at the end of this week

I am probably getting a phone (thank god).

Another great hand mowed down by an idiot...I. FUCKING. HATE. LIMIT. - $167

I really don't want to go outside tommorow. I want to pretend that tommorow is just another day.

I dunno I had more but im trying to focus on this shit storm limit hold 'em thing...
 
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sandbagaa
26 November 2008 @ 11:52 am
(no subject)  

You were very much in love with her.
And you're still in love with her.
But it amused me to make you ashamed of it.
You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation.
Don't you get it?
You're just a toy, Sebastian.
A little toy I like to play with.
And now you've completely blown it with her.
I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I don't know why I like that line but it speaks to me.

I kinda realized something today I went back an re-read Chelly's Octoboer entries and my October entries:

Times Chelly said she was happy to be with me via LJ: 3
Time I said I was happy to be with her via LJ: 0

I really need to stop reading that stuff cause it's so painful, but that was the first time I really noticed that. I never publicly ever showed her a lot of love. The three weeks I spent with her were the happiest I had ever been in all honesty. I was so...I dunno scared maybe? That if I let her in on the fact that I was totally happy, she would have some kind of upper hand in controlling my happiness I guess. Too little too late I suppose...

More later...Robbie wants to drill me on Limit Hold Em.
 
 
Current Mood: crappy
 
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sandbagaa
25 November 2008 @ 02:36 pm
day 1 of getting better....in theory  

So all day I have been with Robbie and Taylor. Taylor is leaving today to go to thanksgiving. She has a real family, lucky for her. Robbie just drilled me for just over 2 hours on Reading Ability drills. Tommorow he wants to work on my overall game theory. This is incredibly degrading. Breakfast as stated before was horrible and left me still hungry. Basically this is going to be my bookwork

Monday: Omaha cash games/tournament strategy
Tuesday: Reading Ability
Wednesday: Online game theory
Thursday: Hold 'em Poker

Some other books will fill in the remaining days which I was just told I am not allowed to reveal until a later date (?).

Someone actually noticed Robbie when we went out. They must have seen his pic on Green Joker Poker cause I he doesn't do myspace or facebook. He finds it "beneath his time". I don't know what else is going on or how long he is staying. I really don't enjoy seeing a perfectly good WINDOWS laptop doing nothing poker related ><.

This place rings with echoes of
Lives once lived, but now are lost
Times spent wondering about tomorrow

I don't care, if we lose it all tonight
Up in flames, burning bright
Warming the air of the world

"I don't love you anymore", is all
I remember you telling me, never have I felt so cold
But I've no more blood to bleed
'cause my heart has been draining into the sea

Steps I take in your footsteps
Are getting me closer to what is left
Of the dreams of what I once claimed to know

Within my bones this resonates
Boiling blood will circulate
Could you tell me again what you did this for?

Well still I wait with a hope inside of me (inside of me)
So still I wait until again we meet, until again we meet

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hold on slow down again from the top now and tell me everything
I know I've been gone for what seems like forever
But I'm here now waiting
To convince you that I'm not a ghost or a stranger
But closer than you think
She said, "just go on to what you
Pretend is your life but
Please don't die on me"

Wings won't take me
Heights don't phase me
So take a step
But don't look down
Take a step

Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall

Perpetual motion the image won't focus
A blur is all that's seen
But here in this moment like the eye of the storm
It all came clear to me
I found a shoulder to lean on
An infallible reason to live all by itself
I took one last look from the heights that I once loved
And then I ran like hell

Wings won't take me
Heights don't phase me
So take a step
But don't look down
Take a step

Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall

I count the times that I've been sorry
I know, I know
Now my compassion slowly drowns
I know, I know
If there's a time these walls could guard you
I know, I know
Then let that time be right now

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!


 

 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Rise Against
 
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sandbagaa
25 November 2008 @ 11:22 am
my night with Robbie  
So I was planning on staying in the shelter last night. Until I was told I had a visitor. I was like wonderful this is the worst possible time Chelly could decide to grace me with her presence. I got to the door and Robbie was there not happy. I said what are you doing here? He said you got a bag? I said a bag of what? He said with your shit in it. I said yeah downstairs. He says get your bag let's go. I said uh...ok. So I got my bag. As I came up one of the staff people was telling Robbie I am not suppose to leave unless I have somewhere else to go and Robbie's like he does, thanks, bye. So we walked across the street and I said where are we going? He said "shut the fuck up and get in the car." So we got in the car and drove around in silence for like 5 minutes. He says I missed playing HORSE event at foxwoods for this. I said for what? He says for your bullshit mess you put youself into. So I said oh you mean the facebook thing. He says yeah the facebook thing. He asked me if I had eaten and I said no so we got pizza. We stopped and parked outside this hotel Uptown. He just looked at me for like a minute and finally I was like what? He says "You were one of the most feared poker players online and working on a monster bank account before you met this girl. What, the fuck, happened to you?" I just shook my head and said...I dunno. So we talked for a while and then we got a room and he had brought Taylor. Taylor and I talked about everything, mostly the last couple months. Robbie went out so we could have some time alone. She wanted to see my latest cutting and I told her no. We talked about the best times with Chelly and the times that were...not so fun. She had asked me about my favorite memory of Chelly so I thought I would share it here:

I was playing a razz tournament on her computer cause I had nothing better to do. Top 27 made the money and I finished a miserable 31st on a really awful play by this ass clown who hit lucky (of course). I was really pissed, I went in her bathroom and yelled into my shirt so I didn't wake her up cause it was like 2am. So after I "got over it" I decided I was def. not going to play anymore and try to sleep. Sleep never EVER comes to me after a tough loss. I laid down still pissed and the moment I laid down she curled up right next to me and put an arm around me. I INSTANTLY FELT PEACE. God as my witness it was the most amazing thing ever. All the stress and bitterness of the bad beat were completely lifted. I kissed her forehead and went right to sleep. I woke up the next morning and I told her I was sorry I woke her up. She had no idea what I was talking about. I said when I came to bed around 2 and I woke you slightly i'm sorry it was a brutal night. She told me she didn't wake me.
She had curled up next and hugged me in her sleep. By far the sweetest thing I had ever been apart of.

Robbie has said he's going to keep a close eye on me for the next few days since I refuse to go back home to Ireland with him. However for him to stay he has come up with a bunch of rules:

1. By May 29th, 2009 I am to weigh in at 250lbs. or less (I currently weigh 295-300 range...fuckin fatty)
2. I am to begin running my route from the shelter to Pitt on days I come over here starting the 1st of the month. (7 miles a day)
3. I am to be finding a real steady job.
4. I am to apply for anything and everything being offered to me. Including welfare and moving to better locations
5. I am to have no more conversations with Chelly or Shauna unless they say something first.
6. Starting Dec. 1st I can e-mail Chelly and Shauna once per week no IMs/texting unless prevoked by them
7. I am not to mention anything that happened in New Hampshire (i.e. dating)
8. I am not allowed to partake in any poker events, cash games, or tournaments until Jan. 1st
9. When I am at the Library and not online looking for jobs I am to be studying the lastest in poker theory
10. 5% of any earned income goes into my poker bankroll
11. 3% of any earned income goes towards doing something social with friends
12. 2% of any earned income can go towards holiday stuff (christmas presents etc.)
13. 30% of any earned income goes towards fixing the past whatever that may entail
14. 30% of any earned income goes towards anything I could use immediately (phone, razor, whatever)
15. 30% of any earned income goes towards future purchases (rent, furnishings, laptop, etc.)
16. I am not to be offering everything I have to fix Chelly's life financially.
17. I am to find a therapist to work on everything
18. No more suicide attempts or SI related stuff
19. Getting my PA shit togther (driver's liscenced changed etc.)
20. No Live poker play (visiting casinos) until Mar. 1st, purely online play until then.

He also ordered breakfast for me. It was awful. Cereal, OJ, Fruit Cup (I don't do fruit), an apple (again), and a chocolate milk. So appearently I am dieting as well?
 
 
Current Location: Pitt
Current Music: Paint It Black
 
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sandbagaa
24 November 2008 @ 12:38 pm
(no subject)  
I tried, I did the best I could...my best is clearly not good enough...

bye.
 
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sandbagaa
23 November 2008 @ 02:17 pm
hello world  
So after talking to Chelly yesterday she doesn't think I can be social or happy. So this is my attempt to change that. I was also interested to learn that some of her friends read my journal which was fine I guess...so...um...hi?

So I guess I should kinda introduce myself and maybe some of you who read this will do the same? Not really sure who this would work or if this qualifies as being social but here we go.

First off my SN is "sand bag A(ce) A(ce)". Sandbagging is a poker term. Sandbagging means concealing your strength for the purpose of increasing your profit. In poker, this usually means slowplaying in the early betting rounds in order to extract more profit on the later rounds. Especially when called "sandbagging," this practice sometimes has the negative connotation -- usually among occasional or less serious players -- of being a hostile or marginally unethical way to play. Experienced players regard it as just another part of the game, a vital strategic tool. The same is true for check-raising, which bears some resemblance to slowplaying. So yeah.

My real name is Andrew Morrill. I am a professional poker player. I have been a professional for 2 years, I will enter my "junior" year if you will on my 25th birthday on Feb. 7th, 2009. I have been playing poker overall since I was 4 so close to 21 years I have been perfecting my craft. I love to play poker and I love to gamble on other various things. I am not addicted to gambling with some of the simple rules that I follow:
1. I never bet on sports unless it's betting against another person's picks
2. I never play house games (house games are games run by the casino where the casino has a pre determined, unbreakable edge)
3. I have never borrowed money that I couldn't pay back with a fall back plan (E-Bay work, a real job etc.)
4. I never "take shots" (To take a shot is to play in a game that would wipe out your entire bankroll or baloon it to a huge amount)
5. I only bet on my skills against a skill of another person be it poker, golf, rolling fruit between cars on a highway (yes that did happen, yes there was money involved)

There are various other rules but you get the idea.

Most of my credentials can be seen on www.officialpokerrankings.com and www.thepokerdb.com, if you look up Pokerstars and sly_blazer those are some of my stats. One of my greatest accomplishments was from last year not only making 8 championship tables (where the final 9 sit) but coming in 1st or 2nd in 7 of them, taking home the title 5 times. I also won the overnight main event last November on Pokerstars. The official time was 36 hours+ with only 5 minute breaks in between each hour. 316 of the world's best players played with deep stacks (Normal stacks are $1,500, Deep stacks are $5,000) we played 30 minute levels, a normal level usually lasts between 10-12 minutes. So it was quite the marathon game. Aside from being with Sam and Chelly that was the single greatest moment of my life the moment I knew I had won.

I am also a writer in case you haven't seen some of my "work". I also write articles on poker, some of the websites I write for have been www.railbirds.com www.holdemradio.com etc. I do poems occassionaly from time to time, I usually don't like posting my work cause it typically sucks by my standards.

I am a huge huge huge HUGE Dallas Cowboy fan. No, I didn't grow up in Dallas or live in Texas. The honest to God story of it is because I was watching Super Bowl XXVIII (28) and one of my uncles asked me who I liked for football. I was only 10 or 11 so I came up with an answer that couldn't fail, "whichever team wins". Well the Cowboys crushed the Bills and I have loved them ever since.

I am a huge LA Laker fan (not as much as Dallas tho). I really thought they might actually pull off the upset of the year last year beating the Celtics *sigh*. I don't always agree with everything Kobe does, but if he wins it for us in the end he can be as big an ass as he wants to (same thoughts on Terrell Owens for that matter).

Let's see what else?...I love reading Dean Koontz. I think Odd Thomas was one of the best books ever. I did cry at the end. Those who read it can understand why. I swore after that ending I would never read another Odd Thomas book simply because the ending was so sad...I then went on to read Forever Odd, Brother Odd, and Odd Hours. Odd Hours I thought was kinda meh, but I think it was a 350+ page lead in to the next book if the new characters pan out it will be worth it. I also loved Twilight Eyes, I thought that was amazing. One Door Away from Heaven was also really good. The Taking sucked...ok seriously let's all admit it that book sucked, we wanted it to be good, the last of the ending (I mean like the last 3 pages) were very good but couldn't save the other 350 or so. James Patterson is pretty awful yet all I read was "you've been warned". That was by far the biggest battle of wills with a book I have ever had. I think "Choke" was an amazing read, it's from the guy who wrote Fight Club. If you liked Fight Club you would love Choke. Full of dark sick humor.

um oh movies! holy crap...I don't even know where to begin. Boondock Saints is the most quotable movie in the world. Cruel Intentions is right behind it. Batman Begins/Dark Knight are the only two movies in the world I went to go see alone. I don't like going to movies alone for any reason, but I did with those two. I love so many movies. I love the Saw series, I have actually met Shawnee Smith (Amanda) no joke. There are going to be 10 total Saws from what I have heard. With that being said I never got to see SAW V. I did however watch all 4 Saws while I was staying with Chelly, I had seen them all before but it was still cool to see them with her. I love Rocky. Sad little pre poker ritual: I like to watch the end of Rocky III before I go play. Only because I like to be put in that mind frame cause Mr. T just pounds on Rocky until he basically runs out of gad and then Rocky takes him out in this one series of punches. I like to think that's how I want to play poker, just let someone push me around until they screw up and then unload on them. I love almost any superhero movie. Iron Man was great, Spider-man was awesome, V for Vendetta. Hated Lord of the Rings. 5,000 people in a war at once with a camera going nuts, no thanks, I'll pass. I think Rounders was the best movie for poker, and created a lot of bad players who thought they could play like Matt Damon. It gave me some nice easy money for the longest time. Kinda like the Matrix inspired everyone to become a hacker, yeah thats what Rounders did for poker.

Music again...where to begin. Honestly I use a lot of different music it depends on what I am doing. Like if I am playing in a long tournament, when it starts I tend to play very few hands so I listen to softer stuff: Ben Folds, Guster, Dispatch, Deathcab for Cutie, Audioslave. However towards the end of a tournament when aggression is rewarded greatly I do like to take my music up a notch: Slipknot, Disturbed, Theory of a Dead Man, Static-X, Institute, Hatebreed.

I don't really watch a lot of television, but if I do I usually am watching House or CSI. I also love the show It Takes a Thief. That shows so awesome. It's on discovery I think, basically it's this group of ex thieves who show people who to protect their house better...by breaking in unannounced! How sick is that? One time they broke into some sorority house and they stole all the girls laptops and their pet turtle...it was so funny. They obviously return all the stuff and then they put in all these high tech things. I also like Hell's Kitchen, I don't think that's on anymore though. I got addicted to it via you tube. I also loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not just because my future wife Sarah Michelle Gellar was in it. I just thought the show was awesome. Except for the last season, that just got too....I dunno, I just didn't like it.

Ok so that's basically about it about me. So...feel free to write something or say hi.
 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh
Current Mood: happy
 
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sandbagaa
18 November 2008 @ 03:22 pm
plans for everything  
So I have been thinking a lot about when I get a computer within the next couple of weeks. First off I am going to get my website back up sitngoslaying.com. My website for all things sit and go related (9 player poker tournaments). I also am thinking about starting a community on LJ for people who want to learn how to play poker. I def. want to get back into making videos. I miss video blogging. For those of you who never saw my videos it was basically me talking about what was going on in my life while my screen recorder recorded a poker tournament and I would interject commentary on some of the hands I thought were a little thought prevoking. I also want to dedicate a lot of time to the vast array of poker games. I don't want to cover JUST No Limit Texas Hold 'em. I want to cover Pot-Limit 5 card draw, Stud 8/b, kansas city lowball. Maybe Chelly can even do a video on how to play Marshmallow 5 card draw ;). I dunno just a thought.
 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Oil and Water -- Incubus
 
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sandbagaa
17 November 2008 @ 10:55 am
took a test...found it funny  
My results for what kind of serial killer I would be:

If i was a serial killer i would be Charles Manson.

Charles Manson... the only serial killer that faces life in prison, yet never actually killed anyone.



Manson believed that by starting a cult, and manipulating his followers with drugs and mental suggestion he would get them to think he was the next messiah, and force them into doing anything he said, he was right.



One night in the Hollywood hills, Manson set out his minions to attack the home of the head of a record label that rejected his work years back. That night they murdered 5 people one of which was Sharon Tate who was also eight months pregnant at the time. Shooting and stabbing their victims repeatedly and smearing the words "Die Pig Die", and "Helter Skelter" over the walls.



Manson thought that by doing these killings that it would start a race war between blacks and whites. He also believed that the Beatles wrote many of their songs for and about him.



kill count: 5

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!

Oh don't act so shocked. Did you see Manson's interview they showed the other night on 20/20 or some shit from the 80s this interview of him? Was that too funny? This guy is fuckin gone folks. lol It was taped in 1986, so he had been in the hole for 17 fuckin' years. I mean he was already sick going in lol. Yeah but he's on a comeback....yeah. Let's leave him alone and let him talk to God. Yeah they pulled him out of the hole and they said, "Charlie why did you do it?" and he goes, "I heard the album. I heard that god damn White Album. Why don't we two hit the road? What do you think he sayin man? No one will be watching us.". lol Now I don't know about you but I was sitting there going, "ITS A FUCKING ALBUM! YOU WERE ON ACID MANSON! ITS A FUCKING ALBUM! lmao You would have gotten the same message out of the monkeys you fuckin dickhead." "Don't you hear what he's saying man...hey hey were the monkeys people say we monkey around. How clear does he have to say it man? Last train to clarksville whitey." "IT'S THE MONKEYS! THEY WEREN'T EVEN A REAL GROUP YOU FUCK!" It's so funny because he thinks everything is about him. Hes like, "Didn't you watch Charlie's Angels? That was about me. You never saw Charlie did ya?" Its a fuckin TV show, oh put him back down in the fuckin hole. The one guy I felt sorry for was this 30 year old Polish artist his name was Voychev Vichowsky. He shows up in Laurel Canyon it his 1st hollywood party he's all excited ya know? He's all excited they're getting high. They're laying aorund they're getting drunk. All of a sudden BOOM! The fuckin doors break in, the Manson Family comes in. Police report says they stabbed this guy 51 times hit him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and shot him twice. So I figure this guy is near the door on the way out going, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET DO YA!?!? YOU DIDN'T PUT A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEADS STILL ON MY TORSO! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!" Jokes for the demented.
 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Current Mood: hyper
 
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sandbagaa
17 November 2008 @ 10:26 am
yay for writing :)  
Thank you for always being there,
To listen and understand me.
I appreciate all you did for me,
And all you still do.

Thank you for making me feel whole again,
For putting my pieces back together.
I appreciate you putting my life back together,
You saved my life.

You may not understand,
Why I do what I do.
But you never criticized,
You just helped my through.

I knew I could come to you when I was down,
'cause I knew you'd always be there
to pick me back up
and say everything will be ok.

-------------------------------------------------

I searched among the card displays,
To see if I could find,
A little something that would say
Just what was on my mind.

However there was not a one,
That captured it just right,
For no one else can understand
Just what I'd like to write.

I even find it difficult
To try to write it down,
For how do I portray to you,
The love that I have known?

I close my eyes and what I see,
Is someone I adore;
A person who is beautiful,
Right down into their soul.

Mere words cannot describe
The many qualities you show,
The love and caring nature that
You share with those who know.

Your kind and gentle temperament,
Your sweet angelic smile,
Your softly spoken sentiments,
That reach across the miles.

Your smile and laugh that sparkle with
The softness of your sighs,
The way your face lights up a room ...
That twinkle in your eye.

The loving gestures through the years,
That quickly come to mind,
For always you've a gentle word
To calm and soothe I find.

I struggle and I search to try
To find some words anew ...
And yet I cannot capture
All the things that make you you.

I shall therefore, be satisfied
That you must simply know,
Just how I feel about you,
For with words I cannot show.

It's amazing what you can do at 3am when you simply say fuck you to depression :).
 
 
Current Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Current Music: Out Loud by Dispatch
 
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sandbagaa
16 November 2008 @ 12:19 pm
(no subject)  
ugh...I don't even know where to begin to try and establish how bad of an idea this pittsburgh thing is...


Next stop: Vegas?

:/
 
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sandbagaa
13 November 2008 @ 11:01 am
ok maybe that was a bad idea...  
Me: Hey I need a quick loan for a soft game
Phil: Like how quick and how soft and how much
Me: ....
Me: $30,000 $40/80 Forced Rotation with 6 seniors who take a drink after every hand they play...72 hour run
Phil: heh, I need a blow job from Jessica Simpson $30,000 are you nuts


Guess i'm heading to Mountaineer to grind...

I leave you with this

I'll bring us through this. As always. I'll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me.
 
 
Current Location: Manchester (FOR THE LAST TIME!!!)
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Bullet Proof Skin by Institute
 
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sandbagaa
12 November 2008 @ 10:40 am
I just need for something real to open up my mind....  
So yesterday was one of the worst emotional days I have had in a long ass time. It was a lot of "what would have beens". Yesterday it would have been Sam and I's five year anniversary. It would have been Chelly and I's six weeks. So yeah, just a fun filled day all around. I went up to Dover with Taylor and Jess. I don't know why they really felt like coming, it has nothing to do with them. After about an hour they said they we're going to leave and get something to eat. I wasn't ready to leave so I sat out there for 3 more hours. Taylor let me stay at her place. I was going to call Chelly, I really needed to hear her voice. However I couldn't justify it to myself so I stayed up and looked at pictures of Sam and I all night, watching a couple of her dressage performances. She was so good. I forgot how much I loved watching her pratice to steps to various songs. Taylor got out all her practice videos. She liked watching them for flaws, kinda like how I screen recorded all my tournaments and watched them over and over. I loved her moves to "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. We also watched "the energy" from audiovent, "not enough" from Our Lady Peace", "Going Under" from Evanescence, "Tiny Dancer" from Ben Folds that was always her favorite she did that routine at least 3 times live. I wish Chelly and Sam got to meet each other I know they would have gotten along really well. When I got back to Manchester Erick was waiting for me in the park. He says you know what makes me feel better when I feel like crap? I said no what? He says rolled up aces over kings. I said meh. He goes check raising stupid drunks at The Rock (Rockingham Racetrack) and taking huges pots off them. I said I can't go there I promised Chelly I wouldn't go to those places even if it's just to play cards. He said so wasn't being your girlfriend a promise not to walk out on you when you need her most? I said now proceed to turn the knife counterclockwise until desired shreddings are produced. He says you know how soft those 10/20 games we work together we can cut that room apart in an hour. I simply told him I heard you asking before and I hear you asking now, but I really can't go over there, I won't go back on my promise. So he got pissed and left to go work The Rock and I wished him good skill. Poker players don't wish each other luck. Luck is what bad players use to beat good players. So basically when you say good luck to a poker player, it's kinda like saying "yeah you suck so take luck with you otherwise you're screwed". I went back to the shelter and someone from Portsmouth knew me and tried to talk to me. I wasn't really interested in talking until I got pulled into another conversation with these 4 old guys playing cards. One of them said "Simon says you're the best card player around." I shrugged and said "Simon lied appearently.". I could never play cards against 4 70 year old homeless guys, it wouldn't be right. It was hard though to turn down 2 invitations to lay with the lambs for a night. I may be spending time with my dad over thanksgiving and playing some PLO8 (Pot Limit Omaha High/Low split, my game of choice). Or at the very least No Limit Hold 'em tournaments. I played a tournament on Sunday across the river a mile away from the shelter. It went awful, I felt rusty and my timing was so fucked it was embarassing. I let a very weak player run over me. I had nothing in my agression tank, which is one of my trademarks and how I put the fear of god in people. Normally in that situation 7 out of 10 times I am going to come out with guns drawn. I just didn't have it in me. I was so sickened by my performance I threw up in the bathroom, no joke. I sat there with Erick and he was like well....that was certainly an intresting playing style. I just wanted to be alone I told him to just let me be and I had nothing to say. What did he want, I just showed my ass out there. The one time I did get aggressive I decided to take on 5 players at once, which is just a sucide mission. Instead of being smart and picking them off one at a time and letting them sink themselves I had to be the bad ass of the table. Erick said he never has a problem with backing me in these tournaments but whatever was screwing me up I needed to figure it out and lose it before he would stake me again. He left, I got pissed took the deck of cards in my pocket and smashed out the bathroom mirror with said cards and left. All in all a good 4 days for me.

P.S. My therapist says I should write Chelly a letter. I said she would be too busy to read it and probably wouldn't want one to begin with. I really hate my therapist. He is going to try and work out getting me on a plane. He's a nice enough guy, I just don't click with him. Monday I asked him about csa and where I could go to find more information on the subject. He spits out some numbers and he said how long ago was it? I said the abuse? He said yeah I said like 9 years ago I think i'm not really sure. He goes well this is something we can continue talking about if you like. I shrugged and said ok, I don't really know much but I'll tell you anything I can. He said must have been so hard all this time. I said yeah I can't imagaine. He says well I can set you up with some programs and other things. I said uh ok, sure whatever you think will help me out I'd like to try. He says admitting is the first step. I said yeah I know that. So he says would you like to say it outloud. I said....say...what outloud? He says that you were abused.
...
....
....
I was like oh...you think this is about me? No, no this about my ex. He says no there's no shame in what happened. I was like no seriously, I wasn't abused. It really is my friend. I still don't think he believes me. So now not only am I suicidal, depressed, homeless, and unemployed, appearently I am sexually abused...nice. This should be an interesting report I get from him.
 
 
Current Location: Manchester, NH
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Angel Sarah Mclachlan
 
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sandbagaa
10 November 2008 @ 10:45 am
a swing, a miss, and some overdue writings.  
Ok so appearently either this book is full of shit or I am not looking in the right places. I googled prosurvivor and found virtually nothing. I don't even see any csa groups in Manchester let alone csa supporter groups or whatever. None of my usual leads know anything and I told my therapist about it and he had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. So...yeah I have no idea what to do now.
I asked Chelly if she knew anything (I figure it was ok to ask her a quick question as long as it was brief and pretaining to being somewhat helpful). No response...probably should have kept her out of this. *Shakes head*


Here I stand, helpless and left for dead.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
I believe in you, I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies.
I won't stay long, in this world so wrong.
Say goodbye, as we dance with the devil tonight.
Don't you dare look at him in the eye, as we dance with the devil tonight?
Trembling, crawling across my skin.
Feeling your cold dead eyes, stealing the life of mine.
I believe in you, I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies.
I won't last long, in this world so wrong.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Find me
I'm falling
And fooling myself that it's flight
Imperfect
I plummet
And ponder
Pushed away on principle
Forfeit
My future
For feelings of few far betweens
Mindless
Of merciful
Measures
Making ends preempt the means
I searched your eyes for an answer
And shuddered at what I found there
As my skin shrunk away from conclusion
That you lack the strength to care
This is the way it has to be
That you would turn your back on me
And you and I should walk away
Walk away and I stare
Would you stand me up again?
Wonder if I've said too much
And we'll never speak again
 
 
Current Location: Manchester
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: motorhead
 
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